find that name? No one has called anyone that for five hundred years. Tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, aren't you? No, ponAture, what's your name?
Philemon. Philemon, really.
Ivy continues to laugh mockingly.
Philemon. What's so funny?
Ivy. This is ridiculous, how funny. Philemon. But what if it's a diminutive? Phil? Monya? Fimonia? Mofil? Phil? Mof? A flask? Monyafil?
Ivy is covered with a new wave of laughter.
Philemon. I admit, I'm a little surprised by your reaction to my name. This is the first one. And secondly, I'm no less surprised that you didn't know my name. Didn't Sergei tell you? However, he didn't tell me your name either, he only told me about his Bunny.
Ivy. Sergey? Which Sergei? Oh, Sergei from the pool, which one? Well, I get it. So you found out about me from him.
Philemon. So who is it from? I don't know about the pool, but of course I learned about you from Sergei. You're weird.
Ivy. Am I weird? Which one of us is called Philemon? And I'm also weird.
Philemon. It's just Sergei…
Ivy. Brrr! I don't want to talk about him. Cut it out. My subscription was taken away because of this parasite.
Philemon. Oh, how! He didn't say anything like that. And why are they so mad at you?
Ivy quickly pours herself a drink, sips some of it.
Ivy. I was relieving myself in the pool.
Philemon. U… yes, it's not very good, but by and large, that's what everyone does.
Ivy. So I also told them that everyone does it!
Philemon. And what about them?
Ivy. And they said that I was alone from the tower.
Philemon. P… ahem. Yeah. An unexpected twist. Why did you climb the tower?
Ivy. So the Gray One wanted to take me on weakly! So I climbed up.
Philemon. Now everything is clear. Yes, you live a boring life.
Ivy. Are you going to drink, Filly?
Ivy is still sneering.
Philemon. Does my whole name bother you? If you don't like it, you can call it whatever you like. I have never encountered such a reaction in fifty years, but since my name is so across logic and your personal common sense, you can call it something else. And I will drink, but the toast was made for acquaintance, and I still don't know your name.
Ivy. Drink up, drink up. I'll think about what to call you.
Philemon starts drinking.
Ivy. I'm Ivy, by the way.
Philemon blows out what he has managed to get into his mouth. And it blows on Ivy.
Ivy. Oh, your aunt! What the hell?
Philemon. Sorry. How? What did you say your name was?
Ivy. I'm Ivy. What's wrong?
Philemon. Ivy?
Ivy. Well.
Philemon. So Ivy is a normal name, and Philemon is something out of the ordinary?
Ivy. Ivy is fine. It comes to me.
Philemon. Where does he go? What's coming in?
Ivy. Well, I like it, then! Oh, you're a valenok from a previous era, of course.
Philemon. Well, thank you.
Ivy. Okay, no offense. Well, I'm sorry, it's just really hard to communicate with you. You're all like that… I don't know. Men usually behave quite differently with me. And you're something else. He sprayed me again.
Philemon. Sorry, it was an accident.
Ivy. No, I'm so used to it, on duty.
Philemon. On duty?
Ivy. I'm telling you. It's difficult with you. Lan, forget it.
Philemon. Forget it?
Ivy. A-a-a-a… Forget it, in short!
Philemon. Okay, good. Listen, let's have a drink like a human being and eat already. I don't know about you, but I've been hungry for a long time.
Ivy. Let's sharpen it, I'm for it!
Philemon looks at Ivy with a bit of incomprehension.
Ivy. Let's sharpen — it means we'll eat.
Philemon. And let's have a drink, is that your way?
Ivy. Yes, it is. Let's have a drink. We'll bite. Let's roll. Well, there are also indecent variations.
Philemon. Variations? Wow, you! Whatever word you know. I was surprised!
Ivy. Listen, let's not you… Not you… Don't show off. Pour the best one!
Philemon pours again.
Philemon. Have you figured out what you're going to call me?
Ivy. When would I have thought of it? It's one thing, then another. Oh! You're making a smartass out of yourself here. I'll call you Smartass. Is it okay?
Philemon. For God's sake.
Ivy. Then thanks for the introduction, Smartass!
Philemon. Thanks for meeting me, Ivy!
They clink glasses, both giggle at each other, drink. They begin to eat.
Philemon. How's student life going?
Ivy. How do you know I'm a student?
Philemon. How from where? Sergei said.
Ivy. Strange. I don't remember telling him about it. I generally keep my personal life under lock and key, I try not to talk about it. Maybe, if I've just had too much once, I blurted it out.
Philemon. I do not know that. And where is he?
Ivy. Who!
Philemon. Well, Sergey.
Ivy. And how do I know. What do I care about him?
Philemon. Did you have a fight or something?
Ivy. What do you mean?
Philemon. I thought you were a couple with him.
Ivy. Us? With Gray? What are you, Filly! Or Rather, A Smart Guy. What kind of couple are we? I have these Earrings. Actually, to be honest, I don't even understand what kind of Sergei you're talking about right now, it's not about the one from the pool. And what's the difference?
Philemon. Wow…
Ivy. And you too, the fruit is still the same. So, he thought that I was the girlfriend of some kind of Sergei, but nevertheless he invited me to his place!
Philemon. Yes, as it were… I can't say that I personally invited you. I was just put in front of the fact that you would be, and that's it.
Ivy. I didn't understand. Should I leave?
Philemon. No, absolutely not. Please stay, I'm sorry I said that. I'm glad you're here. At least someone came.
Ivy. At least someone?
Philemon. I've called a lot of people. I've prepared everything. I ordered and bought. I eat modestly in my life, I don't make such tables for myself. Sandwich, porridge. Soup sometimes, potatoes…
Ivy. Stop— stop! Hold on. It's your birthday today. There were supposed to be guests, but only I came, despite the fact that you didn't invite me personally. So?
Philemon. Well… In general, yes.
Ivy. So someone decided to give you such a gift. He invited me.
Philemon. Sergei, I suppose.
Ivy. What are you talking about? Sergey — Sergey. Forget about him at all. Come on, don't say another word about this Sergei of yours.
Philemon. Whatever you say.
Ivy. That's better.
Philemon. Then let's just say that Fate gave me an evening with you today.
Ivy. Uh, wait. What evening is it? It's only been paid for an hour! No, I don't mind in principle, but according to the tariff. And by the way, time is ticking, if anything. Of course, we can sit, talk, and eat. Can you show me your album, I'll look at it, I'll even pretend that I'm interested, but what the hell do you need it for? Oh, yeah. You didn't pay. Then whatever. Pour some more, otherwise something doesn't really fit on the dry one.
Philemon doesn't really understand what's going on, but he pours it.
Ivy. The feast continues, am I right? Are we sitting, eating, drinking, talking?
Philemon. As usual…
Ivy. I don't know what you have where it is, this is my first time. Oh, it doesn't matter. Now I'll make a toast, if you don't mind.
Philemon. You are welcome.
Ivy. So, Smartass! I wish you a happy birthday. I have no idea why the hell you're here alone right now, at your holiday table, it's good that at least I showed up, at least something. But it's not about me. And so. I wish every bastard who didn't show up here today, all those you counted on, to itch in all places for a week or two. So that they hiccup like they're out of their mind and can't do anything about it until they realize their guilt! Here's to that. Let's!
Ivy drinks, Philemon doesn't.
Ivy. What are you not drinking again? Didn't you like the toast, or can't you have a lot?
Philemon. No, it's just that your toast turned out to be quite strange.
Ivy. Didn't like it, then?
Philemon. I liked it, I even mentally supplemented it from myself. But that's not the point.
Ivy. And in what way?
Philemon. It turned out that you wished them everything. But I still have a holiday!
Ivy. Do you want me to wish you itching in all places and godless hiccups?
Philemon. Is there anything else in the assortment of wishes?
Ivy. La, you're still a smart Guy, I just can't get off you. Give him the assortment. Okay, now
